Darling Eyes In Photoshop

My Magazine Cover

anonymous

u remain anonmyous
just so you keep talking to me
i notice you all the time
but i never know what you see

i talk to you as if everything is alright
i know i promised
it wouldn't be like that.
we're better as friends

i dunno though

i still hurt when i see you with him
i don't think he's good enough
no one is though
which is a shame
i just wished i was
but i can't be after the things i've done
to you

still...
i look at you
that perfect smile
i think of the most perfect personality
and you come to mind

you...

waiting

waiting...

i've been waiting

to see you again

i haven't seen you

since way back when

you held me

close to you

we hugged and were playful

and i wished it was true

that you really loved me

like i think i love you

but life's a bitch

and it takes two

so i'm chillin' in this lonely room

just thinkin' about life

and about why people use a knife

sometime i guess

it can temp everyone

when life kicks you in the balls

you want to give up

and let go of it all

but we all have to go through it

the hurt and the pain

so suck it up mister

get out in the rain...

show how tough you are

that no one can hurt you

and no one can make you feel

unworthy of them

remember the time

have you even had one of those days at school

where you just get up

it's all habit

you go to class and sit in your seat

and do the same thing you always do

lunch comes. you get the same thing

the bell rings and you don't think of anything in particular

it's just another day...

nothing special happened

that was out of the ordinary.

you look back and think what happened today and your mind is

empty...

that's me so i thought i would just spread some words of wisdom

and maybe this post

will be the thing you remember today

yet again...

can u relate

can u relate?

you wake up late

flop out of bed

get in your car

you're way past dead

it's too damn early

you go class

sit down, get your stuff out

and then...

there's this stupid kid

that's always got something smart to say

you just wanna punch the kid in his goddamn face

but you know he has no friends

and by knockin' his lights out

you just make yourself look like a dick

so you just take it...

the day goes on

you go to another class

and someone else has the cheek

to do something to you...

your already having a bad day

you don't need this today.

so you ESPLODE!

ya it's bad

random love

random love

this random love

that i am in

is more intricated

than anything

we know how we feel

and what the risk is

but we both know

that it's worth it

and there's no knowing how far we'll go

we know that no parent

or friend or anyone else

could stop our small minds

from thinking the way we do

i mean what i say

and i hope you do too

when i say that i love you

so to the beautiful queen

that rules over my heart

of this random love

with random start.

creativeness

once a again...bored

for all the readers

out in the world

this one could hurt you

because of how bold

i'm going to be

i'm really just bugged

that no one fckin writes me

on my myspace blogs

i want a fckin message

so write me a note

and gimme some feedback

on how good i wrote

please people

it's not a like it's a quiz

to write me some words,

of how good or bad

my writing is

so guys

a hey what's up to all my pals

write me back eh

and write back, i shall

- an original by Curtis Hickman -

am i

am i

am i enough

for you to need

that "just because"

our love will feed

am i enough

that when you cry

i can be there

for your fears to die

am i enough

that when a trial

comes our way...

we take it together

and seize the day

i know it sounds hard

looking from here

but when your higher up

everything's clearer

there is a greener pasture

out there somewhere

but it's sure as hell not here

it could be anywhere

just have faith in me

i'll be right here to help you through

but am i good enough

that...is up to you

what we want

what we want

goal setting is over rated

sometimes you think that having a life

means being popular, having a girlfriend(or boyfriend girls)

and absolutely zero strife

but that's not at all what it's about.

it's about doing something completely

GRANDE with your life...

like reaching out to one person

making them feel like they can be anything they want to be

that they can accomplish anything

and you'll be right there with them

the feeling of making them happy is enough

to make your own sad life bearable.

that all those nights when you just sit in your room

and lay on your bed

because there's no one who wants to hang out with you

but you know that this one person that you're there for

knows they can count on you to be there for them

whenever...

they know you will put down what you're doing to help them

not feel so alone

and not be so bored with life

that because you have this one totally devoted friend...'

that all those shitty days are there to remind you

of how special it is to have a good day

so reach out to someone

everybody could use the help

even us really big strong people

who can tie our own shoes

everyone needs that person that cares about them no matter what.

i'm there for you. you just have to find me

- an original by Curtis Hickman -

meeee

me me me

today i learned something about the greeks

it said something to do with

personalities going with body types

first off i just have to say that that did NOT work for me

it said a lot of things that you would see on the outside

but that is not even me on the inside

inside...i am dynamite on a fuse

i'm a time bomb waiting for my time

i'm just waiting for my true feelings to submerse

but when you live in a society where

being yourself

isn't accepted you learn to go with the flow

i have learned otherwise

i have learned that i would rather not say anything

than say i'm someone i'm not

i'd rather lose a friend

or a girlfriend

over something like not associating myself with a clique

than just do what they want

i am my own person

i'm a hickman

i am me

and no one will stop me from being myself...

just thought i'd say that.

have a good day everyone

brain fart

it's summer

and my brain seems as if it's just turned off

i dunno about you folks

but i'm not upset about that :)

it's summer

Wooo!

so i don't know how good my blogs are gonna be cuz i'm not exactly

completely using my brain.

stormy seas

Stormy Seas

i saw you today

it was a bad day,

but you made it all go away

you made my troubles cease

the stormy seas stopped destroying my insides

you brought back comfort and peace

you always pull it off

you lead me through the toughest storms

you are my lighthouse

you keep me safe and warm

i get butterflies when i touch your skin

i am speechless

you stroke my chin

i don't want to be anything but perfect for you

'cuz i don't ever want this feeling to end

no other feeling could be this true

you always pull it off

you lead me through the toughest storms

you are my lighthouse

you keep me safe and warm

i just want to stare into your beautiful eyes all day

but you call me back from the fantasy

you squeeze my hand so tight.

i squeeze yours back, and you know

i never want to let this go

you always pull it off

you lead me through the toughest storms

you are my lighthouse

you keep me safe and warm...

you keep me safe and warm

i wish it was mean to be

for my eyes and hers only
Current mood:alone... miss u

i'm thinking about you. ryley. the woman who means everything to me...
and the night. one week ago. 8 days ago.
the day i saw you. it was so beautiful. seeing you again. seeing your lovely hair. those bug glasses ;)
you were just laying on the floor, in the bookstore...the kids section, and i wanted to lay on top of you
the elevator. the rush of it all. the intensity and the thrill of your touch. your kiss. your CHAPSTICK lol
you played with me and i wished i could've played with you more
(but then of course i was an idiot and had to go saying i didn't want my friend left out.)

when i saw you first
on that day
and the first time ever
i was wearing the girls short. you know the ones that like panty's lol
yea those ones. the blue track. the only one i ever fell at
i was really having a shitty day. speaking of which i had to take a shit.
i walked by you didn't even think i was going to see you anymore than that
but i think you said something along the lines of you're cute or something...
you were saying it to everyone of course. but i thought you were very much the same
so i kinda stood there. grabbed a handfull of ice and started tossing it over the grass :)
i didn't even know what to say to you. it's kinda strange i think to just tell a total stranger
they are so completely beautiful. but you were the first one to say something.
then...
you gave me a cookie :)
i wanted your number. and then i had to be polite so i asked your numbers
i put them both in there. "ry ry"
i guessi gave you my number...
and we talked and i dunno why but i just really wanted to talk to you
like all the time...and then that wasn't enough. i had to see you

i came and visited you
and we instantly connected. literally.
our first kiss was in your kitchen
i remember...your little mini kisses. I LUV THEM
then we explored your basement hehe. with only an hour right?
we really made the best of that time. then i went to that high school
just to be with you...and the damn thing cost a bunch for me to need to leave early haha
then you're parents said you couldn't be with me...
i guess we've said stuff em but...

i just can't believe i can't see you right now
i just want to hold you and be
right there with you
to feel your warmth. your touch.
your comforting touch
i feel safe with you.
everything feels less painful. less tense
but at the same time i am terrified
that i cannot be everything
for you. that i'm not perfect
i love you with all my heart.
no distance is too far away for me to love you
ryley. the girl of my dreams. i luv love lurv love love you!

letter to home

i never actually got to thank you the other night

for all the help you were to me

you gave me a bed, a pillow and a warm blanket

and for that you are a sanctuary

you're always there for me

even when i don't want to be around anyone

or talk to anyone

you are the place i can go to let it all out

you always have been good at listening to me

and i can take out my anger on you

and you understand

you're quiet at times and loud at others

you've always got a room for me and my brothers

you get me what i "need"

and are a key essential for me to succeed

you have protection and keys and locks

but that's only to keep me safe

to keep me safe

i use you

and try not to abuse you

you're not perfect and neither am i

but we do all we can to make sure we get by

i do my part as best as i can

to make the place more spic and span

once again thank you for being there

when life was just too hard to bare

for being there when i was down

and keeping me safe and sound

and this so that all the world may know

that this is a place to learn and grow

in love...

I don't know why

when i looked in your eyes

it was so different

than anyone elses

when i beheld you

my heart started skipping beats.

my life changed i think

i think it made everthing cease to sink.

and in the midst of all this turmoil and pain

i can't feel any thing

because you're in my life

and i all the things that siphen out the good

don't work on me

and it's because of you

it's true

i don't regret that i fell so fast.

because i know you'll catch me.

it's you and only you...

i tried to no let my walls come down

but when it came to the battle in my heart

i just couldn't hold it in.

my heartbeat was ramming into the gates

it could not even wait

to be yours...to serve you

to keep you happy and safe.

I'm one lucky guy

you'll say whatever

but it's up to me to determine

why i love her

-an original by Curtis Hickman-

with you again

thought about you today

you were on my mind

eager to talk to you,

and just unwind

i bet you miss me

i already miss you

the days together, not even two

it wasn't a bad feeling though

it's something you expect to be sad about...

missing someone,

but it's not...it's one of the greatest feelings ever

because i know soon i'll be with you again...

someday soon.

baghead

No Face

just sitting alone on the cold linoleum floor..

you don't want to do anything else

but sit…

sit and be alone

because being alone you're safe

like an ostrich, head buried in the sand

safe from the terror of the crowd

safe from screaming aloud

so you remain

remain alone by yourself

you've never had to hide from yourself

you'll never be neglected, discarded…ignored

by yourself you'll never be put second

you won't be hurt, betrayed, or deceived

you'll never be let down or blown off

or be anything short of received

so you sit and you wait, with this bag on your head

you think and you wonder why

and question yourself over and over

how people can immerse themselves in this lie

do they do it for you, because they actually care

or is it just for them

and so you remain with this bag on your head

and leave your life governed by whim

Poetic...not

Perfect (btw it’s not as poetic as i’d hoped)

what is perfect.

perfect is not human

perfect is out of this world.

perfect is not easy

to be perfect is bold

i strive to be perfect for you

it's impossible i know...

but i'm reaching for it

for you

i made mistakes and i still do

i always will

it is what keeps us humble

keeps us human

and it shows that you love someone

when you're willing to change yourself

for the one you love

i shouldn't hold you back

i shouldn't push you forward

i should just hold you in my arms

hold you to my chest

and you'll listen.

listen to my heart beating softly

the cold wind rushing around our bodies.

listen to the faint, but lucrative whisper..."i love you"

so yet again. being perfect.

it doesn't matter. i think i get it now

being it isn't achievable here.

we're human. we must remember

just know that i will do all i can

for you

i will not hold you for who you were then

i won't tell you to be someone you're not

i will always care. always listen

i will tell you my secrets

i won't push you away

so when you see how imperfect i am

just know. i'm still willing to change

because i know it is the best thing

because it's for you

Emily :)

emily’s poem

it's time like these

on special occasion

where i get to ponder

about our equation

you're right at my side

right here for me.

i will be here for you

as soon as you need

our love has just blossomed

it's one of a kind

this is better than anything

i had in mind

i have to say

it's a special day

so that you can remember the way

that you got this cool frame

and a cute little poem

no really...it's lame

but just know that i love you

a lot more than you think

but that's our little secret

i know right? wink wink (:

Gazing...

Gazing

staring into your beautiful, twinkling eyes

you are looking back at me

the most joyful and in love

anyone can be

it is sad that you think it will end

as we have have only started.

to think there are only a few weeks

until we will be parted.

but i don't want it to end there

it's going to be okay

i'll be holding you again...

soon again...someday

so keep your chin up

don't think about it too much

'cuz i'm the soldier here

i'm s'posed to your crutch

i'll hold you up when you are down

so you can be amazing

to help to help them

will all the friends you're raising

the fire that's your eyes

continuously blazing...

that is why i look at you

unable to stop gazing

reunion

i’m on the verge

Reluctantly she looks back to me, unable to shake the past

You never expected to hear from me again, with such a rocky journey

Luckily, everyone gets a chance to start over, new...fresh

Everyone, even you, even me, even the guy who was dumb enough to let you go once

Your decision is what determines our fate though and this time i won't dissappoint

...just read it

stirring

a dark cold world surrounds us

where anything can happen

where life doesn't end sweetly everytime

maybe there's no end though. maybe just maybe this time you'll notice me again.

i write all the time, yet nothing seems good enough to be worthy of you again

reality sets in, and so does doubt

she's so much better off without you

you can't be all that she needs

but you buck up...write something new

maybe this ones good enough for you to want me back

i must up the courage to tell you, and no response.

doubt floods back in. this time theres a reason.

does she care for real.

you just bore your soul...if she wanted to you back she would've told you

she knows how bad you want her.

yet...nothing

fear fills the heart. all this time effort. thought. love. wasted.

what do you do it for... just try for things out of reach. and then you realise.

the things out of reach mean that you aren't like every other person.

it means in spite of all the hard times you have to suffer...

you're the stronger one who's actually man enough to face the fear right in the eye.

you sit up straight and stop slouching and actually tell her again...this time with confidence.

you get your answer and you can go on another day. stronger. better.

in love.

Blinking

...it happens in the blink of an eye

one day...

the turn of your head

it's as quick as that.

to lose someone precious...

to meet the love of your life.

to stop breathing

or to start again.

when you feel like you can appreciate everyone of those moments is when you're better than the rest.

too bad i'm not there... doubt i ever am gonna be.

so i hope you can wait up :)

Eternal Hopelessness

eternal hopelessness

you can't get over her
you'd rather have a car fall on you
because the pain of every body in your body being crushed
can't even be as great as the ache in my heart right now

i barely even know you...
you remind me that all of the time
but yet i am fixated...on you
and i can't get it out of my head

i get told it's not worth it...
and the heartache only proves them wrong
the endless trials with no reward make me strive more
and the hopelessness remains

everyone hates me
and it confuses you
because although you beleive them...
you want to believe me

there is no way to say what i feel...
only that it's undescribable
yet i am naive enough to try
and think i am able

i can't explain this pain...this sorrow
this un-needed pain
this terrible hole in my heart
too wide to mend...

crying out inside
a soft sob, no one can hear.
i wish you could but you are too worried about being attached.
and so i remain...alone

you have too much good going for you to take a chance with me
you have too many friends who don't want anything to do with me
too much against me...
and then...there's me...and quite frankly my side doesn't seem like a winner
but i'm not a quitter...i just don't
i don't give up
that's why i allow myself to feel so much pain because i am really dumb enough to go on
i know you think i am too
doesn't matter
i'm not giving up on you
don't think i'll ever come to either...
i don't want to...becuase i really do care. i'm not some clone who says it...
nice guys finish last...right now that's definatly me...

A Days Work

a days work

too long have i waited
to see you again
every emotion has been experience since we've been apart
the best one was gained

the emotion of true happiness
the one you showed me
can cancel all the others out
will let you be free

the last night that i saw you
you were so amazingly, breathtakingly beautiful
your smile so perfect
your hugs................ :(

you're so far away
yet every fiber in me want you right here
next to me
we could be a team

our connection
is something too great
to just overlook
greater than in any book.

miss arizona... i really can't get you outta my head

My Story

My Life Short Story

................

So this is my story. It's really an
un-spiced up story about me. But it's true and it's to the point. I
was born in a small town in England, by the name of Aylesbury, where
I was raised until I was at the age of five. In those years, I
learned to walk, but never to crawl. I also learned how to bookshelf
climb, and be a big bully of a big brother. I witnessed many things,
like watching my Mum give my Dad a nice bruise with a remote. They
never got along well, so by the time I was two, they'd had enough.
They ended the marriage and my Dad wasn't too happy because his kids,
me and my brother Jordan, would only get to see him once a week. He
went kinda crazy...lot's of crazy life. Anyways my Mum was a convert
to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and she had the
missionaries over all they time. They all loved her. One in
particular guy loved her more than the rest though. His name was
Boyd. He was a guy from the states. Their short and simple story was
that after his mission, he flew back over to England... blah blah
blah... He picked her up, and took her back here to visit. She liked
it,and as you can tell, and she decided to fly us all over here and
marry Boyd. Well we were poor...very poor. Money was tight, but
luckily we had a cool neighbor in American Fork, who gave us a
Nintendo. It was so amazing to me a Jordan. We were a couple kids who
could be pleased with the simplest of toys. That house was a lot of
fun, but it just wasn't big enough for us though. Boyd and my Mum
were very much in love, but we already had a full house, and they
wanted a couple kid right? So our next house was built for us in
nowhere else better than the famous PROVO...that's right. Mormon town
central. I loved it there though. Me and Jordan grew up probably 8 of
our years there, and we experienced a lot there. Both of our paths
were different though. We were very English, and for Jordan that was
a good thing, but for me it was another reason to pick on me. So I
grew up there and had a lot of people who made fun of me, and told me
to go back to England. Jordan on the other hand...everyone like him,
and he helped them to make me feel bad. Things changed for me when we
moved out to Riverton. We needed to move because Boyd was finding it
hard to live 50 some odd miles from work, and drive that trip
everyday. So we got a house maybe 25 minutes or so closer in a small
neighborhood, where we got to kind of start again. This time was
different for me. I hit a major growth spurt, and I started to play
football. It was right before school got back in. All the football
guys helped me get a little more popular, but I never really felt
like I wanted to be a part of a clique like that, so I still just did
my own thing. And everyone was a little cooler. Well as you can sense
a pattern in my life, we needed to upgrade...again. We built a new
house, but this time my parents liked the city a lot more so we moved
up the road to Herriman. It wasn't a big deal. I still went to the
same school. And then High School happened. I started off in the
band, and it seemed like some huge clique...well cliques aren't my
thing, so I steered clear of that. And I got into some trouble with a
senior in my sophmore year, and everyone in the band ended up hating
me...I guess there's a lot of people in the band. Anyways...I kept my
head down, and in the spring I took up track. I guess I turned out to
be pretty good, cause I went to state the first year I tried it. I
did it again the next year too, but I was really good at that, but
not so good at keeping my love life moving along. I was a really big
screw up with girls in my junior year. Just got into doing things
that I wasn't proud of with lot's of girls, and messed up my life. It
just made me really miserable. In my senior year so far, I've come a
long way though. I met a girl named Emily who was an absolutely
amazing girlfriend to me, but she moved to Idaho, and things happened
that just made the relationship need to end. I was back to my old bad
habits after that until I pulled my head out of my butt, and started
to make restitution, and change my life. I met a girl that is
absolutely positively amazing, but I know that dating around is the
best thing for us, because I'll just end up ruining it, knowing me.
But I've really had a helluva ride, and in only a short 17 years.

The Lost Mic.

thinking of you
tears me up inside.
because it's totally hopeless, for us to be
you've broke down all my pride

you're the one i think i love.
yet the "us" we'll never be
why can't i just forget about it
pack up, end it...flee

it's because i don't give up on you
i won't and never will
just give me the chance to show you
that i will not fail

it's such a long shot i know
that so much doth go against
you taking just one shot on me
and giving me your trust

i'll show you how i can.
with all that i can do
to prove to you that i'm sincere.
and i'll always be true

there's no way i'd force it
i just hope that you can hear
my cry for you, although it's quiet
to listen for me, my dear

it's really lame and so am i
writing such a thing
but it's what i do and how i tell
the things i cannot sing

but to you, this one's for you.
you know exactly who you are
that you is all that i desire,
when i wish upon a star.

Hey What's Up

This Is the Beggining Of It's Long And Healthy Life of Me.